The Struggle With Loss

Loss is a universal and timeless human experience that has impacted us all. We have all lost someone in our lives that has had a profound impact on our lives. And yet, strangely, so many of us feel alone in that loss and we feel we are the only one's going through this profound pain.

My experience is it has a lot to do with the way humans deal with death and loss. At the time of the death people surround one another and they comfort through touch, stories, and shared memories. We even laugh during this very difficult time. And then, everyone moves on, or so we think.

After the profound death it almost seems taboo to continue to talk about the loss. It's alright to talk about the person, but not about our true emotions, about how we are feeling, about how we may have depression, anxiety, or panic attack moments over it. Sometimes years later. We talk about the death but not the powerful emotions behind that death.

The first thing I want everyone to know is it's ok to talk about how you are feeling. It's not easy at first, but it can help you in so many ways.

Also, it's ok to feel those feelings and stay with them. One thing I learned through therapy is that staying with those feelings helped me understand my feelings and to reach an understanding as to why I'm having a certain feeling. Anxiety is your body and mind's way of dealing with a full cup of very hot coffee and trying to not let it spill over. If you can, stay with the feeling and try to understand what your mind is trying to suppress, because for me, once I did that I found the underlying issues and was able to come up for air and breath again. As with anything, having professional help is key.

Some things I learned about death and loss this past year:

1) It's not your fault, you couldn't have prevented the death
2) You did the best you could at the time and it's ok
3) Your body and mind went into survival mode because the dying of that person was that traumatic and devastating. You did what you were able to do and it's ok
4) Another day, another 'I love you', getting to say goodbye, another touch, another word would not have softened the pain of the loss
5) Talk, talk as much as you need to. Not only about the person, but about how you are feeling. Find support, even professional support if you need to. It's ok. It really is ok.
6) If you have something to say to the person who died, sit down, welcome them into your room, visualize them sitting next to you and talk to them. Tell them what you are sorry about. Tell them how much you love them. Ask them questions and listen for their answers. It takes time and can be very difficult but can also result in finding some answers. It may take more than one try to have this conversation. Give it time
7) The pain of the loss may not appear for years and years
8) Journeying into this search for peace is healthy and most of us never take it. The results can be a much more aware person with a new understanding of yourself and of others. It's a long journey fraught with pain but once you reach that peace you'll understand the necessity of that journey
9) The experiences and ways people deal with loss is individual and no journey is wrong. Take your time, give yourself the effort, and do what you can
10) Continue to love yourself and be selfish. Do what you can and don't do what you can't. This may mean less effort in business and in friendships for a period of time and that's ok

I'd love to hear from others about their journeys. It's time we stop hiding the universal experience of death and loss.