Thursday, March 13, 2008

Twins on an Epic Journey

Yup, that's right, an epic journey starring identical twins Gleep and Gloop.

They began in the depths of my kidney and after months of residing in darkness, their weeks of planning have come to fruition and their epic journey has begun!

Monday morning was like any other morning, get up, take a shower, water the plants in the garden, feed the neighbors cats and take a bike ride to work. And this particular Monday was even more exciting because we had two new employees starting with two more starting later in the week.

I arrive at work, with what was a lovely ride on a sunny, warm day, and one day after Daylight Savings just began, to boot.

I arrive at work and introduce the new staff to the office, go over some initial informational stuff and start planning my day, which included getting ready for the additional two new employees later in the week... then something just didn't feel right.

My stomach was upset, which it was since breakfast with Laura and friends on Sunday morning. I thought little about it and had some lunch, sandwich, and soon my upset stomach was beyond upset... it was down right angry!

I try to walk it off, so I walk around the office, go down the hall, but nothing made it feel better. Then I realize things are really feeling worse, not just in my stomach, but my side and my angry stomach was throwing a hissy-fit... uh oh, this is it... once I thought about it, I knew... (whisper) kidney stones.

OK, I lock my cabinet, gather my things and walk into Giancarlo's office and ask him if he wouldn't mind taking me to the closest emergency room... he looks at me and says, "Are you kidding or are you serious?"

I was serious.

Giancarlo grabs his things and we are off to the elevator and down to the front entrance of the building, then it hit me, I couldn't even walk to his car, so I pick up my iPhone (thank you Atlassian) and call 911 (emergency). I tell Giancarlo, "Are you sure?" was his response, "the car is right here". This is after I noticed he drove the car on to the sidewalk, right next to me. In less than 1 minute the ambulance sirens are heard... thank gosh!

In less than another minute the ambulance is in front of us and I somehow walk into the ambulance and they shut the doors... but wait... we are not leaving. They ask me all these questions as the pain increases to the point that I can't open eyes, because if I do, they will eject out of my head!

They want to take my blood pressure but I am flinging my arms around like a kid trying to catch a firefly and he can't grab it. "Please hold still" says the EMT. Hold Still? Are you kidding me, I'm having a freaken' baby and in case you haven't noticed, I am a guy!

They check my heart and other vitals... vitals are good. At this point I am screaming, not moaning, but screaming like a banchy (whatever that is).

They rated my pain as 10 out of 10... gee, do you think? They even ask me if I want morphine (I said no - didn't trust them). Reason I said no to the morphine is the guy tried to tap a vain and well, his attempt was more painful then the two twins (you know, Gloop and Gleep) playing Gladiator with my insides.

Still we sit there as they ask me inane questions (Name, Age, Birthday, History, Modern Architecture, the Cosmos).

Finally after I screamed, "What are we doing... h o s p i t a l!" they decide they should go.

Finally, we'll be at St. Mary's in no time... the engine starts and the EMT with me is telling me to hang on (yeah I have nothing better to think about) and down the street we go, yet wait, we stop. What? Why are we stopping? (I am thinking this as I am literally kicking and screaming!) We stopped because they are not using the sirens... that's right, my agony will be prolonged because my vitals are good, no reason to bother the traffic, I'm just a man having TWINS!

We go down steep San Francisco hills, my feet practically dangling over my head from the gravity. "Hang on" the EMT says to me. "THANKS" I respond in between the F and S words!

Finally after 15 minutes, should have been 3 with the sirens, but whatever, we arrive at St. Mary's... by the way, I'm still kicking and screaming, slamming my feet onto the gurney and writhing in painful agony (kind of redundant.. but again, TWINS!). I'm in St. Mary's and the doctors who are manning the ER are busy, so I stay in the gurney, screaming, writhing, kicking, swearing, swearing and swearing while others walk by, I hear people talking, some even laughing (better not be at me!) and no one, I mean no one stops by to see how I'm feeling. But then again, I think they knew how I was feeling and I probably didn't send out a vibe of 'friendly person'.

Finally a nurse comes over with an Irish brogue and starts asking me the same questions as the EMT's, when we started debating Carl Sagan's Cosmo's theories, that's when I lost it. "Where is the F'ing doctor!". He'll be here very shortly, then she disappeared.

I am wheeled into a room, or so I think since my eyes are still closed... you know, popping-out-of-my-head-from-the-pain-fear, and finally, after at least an hour, I hear, "Did you take any medication?" Take any medication, what, do you think I have a bottle of morphine attached to my bike? OK, we'll give you some morphine and after I complained of feeling sick to my stomach, they said they would give me something to soothe that feeling... or at least that's what I heard, but who knows.

10 minutes passes and I feel no effects from the medication, another 10 minutes passes and I finally notice my legs were no longer attacking the gurney. Painful, but at least I wasn't literally climbing and grabbing onto the walls.

Then I must have passed out (or someone knocked me out, wouldn't put it pass them from all my screaming) because the next thing I knew I heard Laura's voice, "Ernie, Ernie, are you ok" By that time I was. The morphine had kicked in and the pain had subsided. That is when I hear I do have twins, two 3 millimeter stones, on, as I had stated, an epic journey.

Laura was so wonderful to stay with me, gently and calmly and even went to the pharmacy to pick up my medication... how wonderful is that!

So, how was your week?

1 comment:

Jus Shar Designs said...

Drama much? :-) Not about the whole demur thing, are you?

Actually, I feel ya. I've never had kidney stones, but I do have three kids. They actually cause me more pain now that they are 16, 16, ans 12...more than they ever did as babies.