Wednesday, December 07, 2016


One of the key issues I am grappling with is the movement of time and the impermanence of life. When I think of my grandparents and their young days and how it's all gone, how their lives, with all the joys, pains, and loves that come with it, are gone, I feel very sad, almost depressed. I am not able to think of memories of my Nana and only feel the joy of those memories, I also feel the loss and the pain of her being gone.

Because Impermanence is such a key part of my being stuck, I have been having panic attacks over the understanding that my time with my parents and aunts and uncles is limited. I no longer have another 50 years with them and I fear that once they are gone I will not be able to survive because of the sheer grief of the pain and loss.

This became more than a fear as a week before Thanksgiving my wonderful, caring, and loving Aunt Marion passed away surrounded by the love and compassion of her family. I remember going over to their house when I was a kid almost every Friday or Saturday and hearing the adults laugh. My Aunt Marion had one of the most booming laughs, it would fill a house as well as your heart. She always loved seeing me and truly cared about my life and what I was doing. Every time she looked at me and smiled I felt loved.

After spending two weeks with my family I returned home, feeling the loss but also appreciating the time spent with my family. I never regret spending time with my family.

Last week I put up my Christmas tree and shorty after I would wake up every morning with a low grade anxiety with the fear of going into a panic attack. I couldn't figure out why it was happening until yesterday and today I realized I was afraid to grieving my Aunt Marion's death as I thought it would bring back my panic attacks. My therapist today helped me, through me examining my own feelings and talking about her death, that I can grieve and still continue on.

I am so lucky and appreciative to have so many family members that I adore and will grieve completely when they die. I love them with every breath of my being and with every pumping of my heart. They mean the world to me and I can't imagine my world without them.

The one thing I've noticed is everyone tries to bargain out of the grief over the death of someone they love. If I only had one more day. If I only said I loved them. If I only spent more time with them. I've learned there is never enough time, there is never enough days, there is never enough "I love you's". You will always feel the grief and pain because of the loving bond you have with them. Pain is part of the living life. So is grief.

This Christmas is going to be very hard without my Aunt Marion on this earth. She loved this holiday, as most of the Bonney family does, and not having her here, in our presence, will make it less joyful this year.

I love you Aunt Marion.

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